Am I lazy or just Exhausted?

The craving for coffee now seems to be a learned reaction to light. The switch is on, so I need to pump myself up. Get ready for whatever they need me. I sit and think: I may have taught myself to react instead of acting as a reflex to accomplish something. Note the word 'accomplish,' not make. Life is 50% reacting if you think about it. Reacting to somebody else's action on you.  As a result of constantly moving to play along I am in a corner now. The corner, although it might be limited in movement, is comfortable. I know now there are just a few squares I can choose to move. Having a lot of options does not help. It makes deciding overcomplicated. 

There is half of a lemon next to the sink. I don't remember leaving it there. The light in the kitchen is yellow, and there is nothing to see outside. The threes are dark slabs of coal. The only contrast is the hoary sky of winter. My hands are tired. Maybe is all this typing on screens and keyboards. My shoulders feel like I have been carrying a sack of potatoes the whole morning. I go to my bedroom and stretch my legs under the desk. A current goes through my spine. Have I been working for over 14 hours? Is this normal... the new average. It must be my new normal. 

I love drinks. I always have more than one next to me: water, orange juice, brandy. I hope I regain some strength. I don't want to do anything, but I feel the need to be ready for something, the next thing. This idea that I don't do anything valuable is persistent, although my supervisor at work says I am a valuable asset. A printer is a valuable asset, too,  I think. Perhaps is routine.

Usually, 40 minutes of sleep helps me recover from this drowsiness. I close my eyes and breathe deeply. Waves of purple and diluted cosmic green cover my sight. I can hear tree branches clacking on my window. I caress my neck and imagine a big thumb with hair on top. My eyes are open. I let the blood run. I said to myself: don't fight laziness; Let yourself get into the slumber. This is good, I say. Then I remembered I had to call my mother and wake up to continue my day... night, exhausted.